I was that girl. The girl that thought; we are young, we are healthy, we will get pregnant the second we start. Right? I was that girl that was so excited and petrified at the same time. Ready. Then the first month passed I wasn’t too sad, then the second and I felt a bit uneasy so I started researching and with encouragement from a friend I started temping & tracking my information. I was excited to learn and time it perfectly then the third month, fourth, fifth etc. I did everything right. I saw the signs, we timed it right and nothing. Emotionally I started to break. Watching what feels like everyone under the sun get pregnant around us. While trying everything from eating pineapple, standing on my head, fill-in-the-blank and fertility treatments. There have been many tears and sad days. We are here over a year + later still hoping and wishing for that plus sign. For that first heart beat. For that first sign of hope. **
Yet this post isn’t about being sad or mad (even though those are two real emotions that come and go). It’s about perspective.
The funny thing is tonight I just sit in awe of how the story of our child’s life is being written right now. This wait. The tears. The yearning. This is all part of the story. Part of preparing our hearts for that someone. However they might come and (as scary as it is to say it) wherever and whenever they come. THIS is the story. We are living in it. Every step and emotion.
How much of our lives do we live in the next best thing? In grade school we want to be big enough to go to sleepovers, then go on dates, then be in college, then married…..you get the drift. We want so badly for the next part of our story to start, with quite possibly ignoring the one we are in. The moments that we are never going to get back. Why does it so often take tragedy or hardship to get us back to the things that matter? Why do we go along our days acting like there will be a million of them ahead? James 4:15 reminds us that we are not the main event in this thing called life. That each moment and breathe is a gift. A GIFT. It’s hard to say those words to anyone including myself at the pit of hurt and suffering but it’s truth.
Can you imagine that each of our breaths left on this earth are numbered? That exact number only the Lord knows. Doesn’t that make you want to get rid of the fluffy stuff in your life and focus your effort on what matters? Doesn’t it lite a fire to create a story/memories that really mean something?
I know we so often say flippantly to “live in the moment” or to “slow down and soak up the now”, but do our efforts tell that story? Do they tell a story of someone who despite their circumstances is making the best of their story? Through the pain, unanswered prayers and so many other things? Do we cherish and capture the moments that are here and now?
I want to put all my effort into focusing on my part of HIS story. To make the most of what I have right now. To document it, to remember it, to create it, and to walk with hope and confidence that my story will fulfill it’s purpose.
So here we are waiting for you baby, praising God for his goodness in everything and telling this moment of your story.
** We have received so much love and support from our friends and family and we are feeling so incredibly grateful. We feel confident in the direction God has lead us and would appreciate prayers, but not suggestions on alternative methods at this time. Sometimes those suggestions can be very painful and unintentionally hurtful. Thank you again for lifting us up in prayer and walking through this with us.
Photos by Natalie Norton