VROOOM VROOOM.
Let me let you in on a little secret. I dislike talking about myself. Specifically talking about my strengths and accepting compliments have always been tough and uncomfortable for me. I don’t know why, but its just feel super awkward. One thing I have learned lately is that in order to work on my self-image. I need to be cool with me. Embrace me and all the things I am bad and good at. With that said, I am working through the fear of saying/claiming that I am a leader. I think part of what is holding me back it is that I doubt myself, and part of it is the responsibility of what the title means. Anyways, it has taken me a of couple weeks to get but now I am ready. You ready? Gina Zeidler is a leader. So, high five for me cause I finally can say it now. (Yet, again still feels a little awkward)
I think the term or stereotype leader is pretty positive. Assertive, good with people, big picture thinker, right. While having leadership traits is a great thing, sometimes having this quality can be a hindrance. About a week or so ago during the JNP workshop I had an opportunity to test out some tilt-shift lenses. Jeffrey brought in three of his couples and we each got to pair off in groups and shoot/practice.
***Now a little back story, I think I have rented the tilt-shift about 3 times and never figured it out. I read countless forums, blogs, manuals but I couldn’t get the hang of it. I really wanted to figure it out and get some hands on experience with Eliesa & Jeff on how to manipulate it to get what I want.***
When our couple walked up my crazy love for people kicked in. I greeted them and started to ask them a couple of get to know you questions. Seriously I have this weird weird weird need to make others feel comfortable. Maybe it’s my ultimate fear of the awkward silent moment (like in elevators), but I really think the key to great photographs is having the subjects feel themselves & comfortable. Anyways, we were to direct the shoots as we would like, so I naturally took the lead and walked us over to some really cool awesome windy California trees.
I set the couple up and started shooting with my normal set up (5d mark II and my beloved 35mm 1.4). After a couple of different poses and about 30 frames. I stopped dead in my tracks and said to myself…wait a second Gina, you didn’t come here to shoot a session in your comfort zone, you came to push yourself, to get uncomfortable and learn. At that moment I turned to my two other group members and said “alright you guys, your turn to lead.” I chose to conquer the fear of not being in control and I stepped back and put on the tilt-shift. I definitely felt uncomfortable, I fumbled, I screwed up my exposure, and grumbled while trying it out. After a bit, Eliesa helped me with a couple of settings and I finally got the hang of it.
Seriously though people, I had to push myself to step out of my comfort zone and not be the leader. In that moment I learned that to take a step back, slow down, and learn was what I needed to do. I could have continued on and shot that entire thing with lenses I am used to and got some great shots, but would I have become better? Would I have learned something new?
I want to apply this type of thinking to other areas of my life. I want to push myself to be better, stronger, and fuller. I want to feel uncomfortable, grumpy, and fumbly sometimes, because they equal growth. This situation equaled me conquering the tilt-shift and producing this image. I would have to say…the struggle was worth it.
Gina you are a REMARKABLE and beautiful woman! So proud to know you, and to be a witness to the journey that you are on. To me you are one of the strongest women I know, and when we talk, you constantly ask questions that I need to hear. Lots of processing and thoughts going on down here too.. HUGS!
And I daily pray that your strength in yourself only grows to be able to see the person I know. I want to see your eyes stat.
I totally have to comment on this because it’s something I have been thinking about – and struggling with myself – a lot lately. I have been very harmful and hard on myself in the past. And one day, when I was whining about how my lip curls up crookedly when I smile and how ugly that was, I stopped and actually listened to what I was saying. I wondered how I would feel if I heard my gorgeous, spectacular, amazing daughter (who happens to have inherited that quirky little lip curl) say these kinds of critical things about herself. It would break my heart. Because when I look at her I see nothing but perfection. Her smile is a miracle and the very idea that she might find some flaw in her beautiful face was crushing.
So lately I’ve been trying to see in the mirror what my Dad must have seen when he looked at me. It’s a sort of experiment, a challenge I have issued to myself. And, as cheesy as it sounds, it actually works. The world needs a little more love, I think. Starting with loving ourselves is both the easiest and the hardest thing to do. But personally I’m a little happier when I catch a glimpse of my reflection these days.
Life’s too short and you’re WAY too beautiful to be so hard on yourself. Chin up, girl. Enjoy that journey. 🙂
Ohhh yes mam that’s right! I so know what you mean. And I admitadly laughed when I read your “flaws” that you see. I thought “she’s crazy! Those are MY FLAWS!” So funny what we see in ourselves that no one else does. <3
Gina…you are so NOT alone with this! It would be nice if we all naturally accepted our imperfections and moved on…but that’s just not the case. Putting yourself out there on your blog is a great achievement and a step in overcoming these fears. Cheers to you.
Beautiful Photo! Gina, I truly consider myself lucky to have met you! You are such an inspiration and have such a huge heart! I’m excited to see where life takes you and your talents. There are no flaws and I can’t wait to see those eyes of yours!
Hi Gina! You move me. Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable with us. I think you are beautiful inside and out. Love your journey and your photography! Besitos! 🙂