Why is it that when we fail our first instinct (or at least my first instinct) is to curl up in a little ball and feel sorry for ourselves?
Last night I had a goal and it didn’t happen. I didn’t just miss this goal by a lil’ bit, in defiance I ran towards failure. Then I proceeded to give myself a pity party, emotionally and physically. I went straight to my coping mechanism of Hulu.com, pajamas and my bed. I think from a young age I have learned that if I get mad I don’t have to deal with the real feelings that are stirring inside. So, I crossed my arms and didn’t respond to my husbands hugs or kisses. I was pouty, frustrated and disappointed in myself. I got up to turn the lights off to go to bed, and the LIGHT really went on.
I created this. I chose pity vs getting myself back up and back on track. I say to others fall 7 times get back up 8, yet I don’t give myself the power of those words. I chose to let my failure take over my entire body and attitude. In hindsight I am see myself like a lil’ kid who didn’t get her way in the sandbox and just gave up. I want to go pick up that little girl up and tell her to brush herself off and go for it again. Tell her that her choices of reaction and response do matter. She has a choice.
Also, this is where I am starting to think about a family in the future. I don’t want my kids to believe the lie that failure is bad or an ending place. I want my kids to fail and try harder. To be able to laugh at their mistakes, as they try again.
I want my littles to shoot a basket, swing a bat, and raise their hand without a fear of failing. I want them to miss/strike out/give the wrong answer and be so excited to try again. I want them to know that their worth isn’t built in their actions but in the Lord. I want to try my hardest to never crush that spirit. Goodness me, in writing this I see so much clarity as how God the father feels about us.
He is saying to each of us…….
I want you to know that your actions, successes, and failures do not equal your worth. I am your worth. See yourself through me. That goal you tried tonight, you tried to accomplish alone, take your eyes off of me and you will slip into darkness. Keep your eyes fixed on me and I will hold you up. I will fight for you. I will never let go. I want you to go through life not afraid to fail. You are a sinner you will fail, it’s part of life here on earth. Your never going to be perfect. Yet, because I am bigger than any circumstance or problem. What are you afraid of? I am good. I am sovereign. I want to bless you. So if I am for you, who could be against you? But I do give you free will to choose your flesh or to choose me.
So are you done realizing that crossed arms and a hardened heart, get you nowhere?
If your curled up and stubborn right now. If your tendency is to get mad and shutdown when you fall on your face. I encourage you to ask yourself, where is this response going to take you? Nowhere. You are paralyzing yourself in your self made fear bubble. Your feel sorry for me bubble. Take a second and step back for some perspective and maybe repeating this to yourself might help. I always I listen better when I write to myself.
Try it. Fill in your name_______(Gina) If you want to do yourself some good. Get uncomfortable. Lay down your pride and let go of your failures at his feet. Opening your hands and heart, although its crazy uncomfortable and not your first instinct. Even though you don’t feel like it. Believe his word is truth.
G. Seriously, choose to feel the feelings. They aren’t bad. They aren’t even that scary. They are what is supposed to happen. Notice when you get angry at yourself and closed off. Use that awareness as a time to really examine your heart and get on your knees in prayer. You can change this engrained response, but it is going to take work. Work that will be well worth it. Work that will show your children someday that failing is a part of everyday life and its healthy. Be that girl Gina. You have it in you.