People don’t talk about this.
People don’t talk about their failures. (Or if they do there is usually a happy ending with success or insight.)
People don’t talk about how they are unhappy. That their hearts are aching for something more.
People don’t talk about fighting the fight of faith and how hard it can be.
People don’t talk about how they walk through life looking for something. How they don’t feel. How the wish they were something else.
People don’t talk about needing to surrender control.
People don’t talk about how their whole self worth is wrapped up in a computer screen or what they look like in a swimsuit.
People don’t talk about how they deal with the same distractions, temptations, failures over and over. They don’t talk about the ways, they cope with food, excessive t.v. or internet time. Day in and day out they feel completely helpless and frustrated and disappointed with themselves.
Yet these thoughts and feelings are eating each of us alive from inside. Because we think we are alone. We think that we are the only ones that struggle with that specific thing. We question ourselves “Why do I struggle with this? No-one else does.” “Why can’t I just get it together like everyone else”
I am here to talk about the things people don’t talk about.
I am here to put out truth that I am a failure. I deal with these things daily. I have a hard time. I get overwhelmed. I feel useless. I make mistakes. I make the same mistakes over and over. I can be weak. I get mad at myself because I expect more out of me. I look for my worth on a screen. I often expect perfection. I am prideful. I sometimes choose mindless activities to avoid.
Why I am saying/admitting these faults about me? Why am I being vulnerable (which freaks me out by the way) by sharing my struggles?
Because I want you to know you are not alone.
I want us to stop hiding behind and stuffing this part of us away. I want you to quit beating yourself up thinking that you don’t have it together and that you are a nobody. To quit thinking that you are too weak, because Suzy Successful pants is doing this better than you or this better than you. I want you to stop going through the motions and being numb.
So today I am going to share how I felt like a failure. I struggled all day with not having a clear focus and I turned to distractions. My biggest distractions. Food and Hulu. I also added stare-at-your-email-and-panic as a distraction today. Instead of choosing to turn to the LORD and asking for help to use the tools that I have. I chose to check-out. I chose to avoid. I chose to remedy the situation with my own will power. Welp, that didn’t work and I just kept getting more and more frustrated. I kept hearing “Gina, you went through this a week ago and now you are dealing with it again, you failure. You are ridiculous” “Gina you just got off an amazing 10 days on the MTH Tour and came home all fired up and look at you falling down already.” “Who is going to listen to you now? You are a disappointment, a joke” I was holding onto guilt and believing these thoughts. Just trying to remedy through with a new piece of jelly gf toast or another episode of Hart of Dixie.
None of these filled me up. NONE. They never will. I was trying to fill a God shaped hole in my heart with things that will never fill that space.
Today wasn’t pretty. Now typically I would want to create a plan to fix this. To make sure it doesn’t happen again. To make sure that I won’t fail. While I will prepare for a successful day tomorrow, I am keeping in hind sight that circumstances WILL come. I will fail. I will fall on my face. I will give in. That is just part of this world.
Yet If it’s for HIS glory? If it brings me to my knees? I want more of it. If it gets my heart in the right place? I will suffer through it. God is sovereign, he has put these circumstances in my path and he can use any of my failure for good. I just need to let go of my pride and surrender.
Now while I know I need to do this. Doing it is harder than it would seem. Here is where I fight. I fight my flesh. This is where for years I thought that these were my true feelings, the part of me that wanted to defy. The part of me that wanted to check out. The part that wanted the quick and easy fill. Now I am aware that this is the very flesh that can ruin me. This part of me I need to give up. That I am a sinner. I need the Lord Everyday. Every moment.
People don’t talk about sin being strong.
People don’t talk about fighting your own flesh.
But I am talking about it. Because it’s truth and a lot of us are in the thick of it. Struggling and feeling extreme guilt that you are choosing Facebook over your kids. Food over intimacy. T.V. over quiet time with the Lord. Money or possessions over peace.
Truth is powerful my friends. Truth can heal wounds, clear the clutter and bring out joy. We are all struggling in someway or another. So, let’s be REAL and share the good, the bad and the ugly. Because someone has been in your shoes. They might just be in your shoes right now. Your truth will encourage another to be more themselves. More like the beautiful person God made them to be.
I want more of this in my life. More of what that really matters.
Let’s talk about what people don’t talk about.
This beautiful little boy’s expression describes my heart today. His eyes are exactly where I am at.