August 19, 2011
See more posts in My Heart

Somedays I wake up and I feel nothing. I am discouraged. My house is a mess. My body is a mess. My work is a mess. A day like today, where I had a million and one things to get done and not enough time or energy. I put off my devotions to now 7:00pm. Here I sit on my bed crying. No exact reason why, but just completely broken. Broken wide open. To be filled up, I write in my journal “Lord I am completely discouraged, feeling so not worthy and just hurting.” Then I hear myself and say in my head “Gina, what the heck, why don’t you have it together. Why on earth would you be crying?” What the heck is it, get rid of it now!”

Truthfully, I always want to know and understand why I am broken. I always want to know the cause, source so I can “deal” with it, or work through it. I want to know why I am struggling and more often I generalize that I am struggling and no one else is. My brain goes in circles about how to fix, or prevent these feelings and it  just leaves me in frustration and confusion.

After looking closer I realized, I am never actually letting the real feelings surface.

It is our human nature to cover up feelings. Normally I would run to the fridge, facebook or turn on hulu to tune out. To distract myself and push those feelings away with empty searching. But it has been placed in my heart this week to fight. Fight to walk in the spirit and to dig into the word, into God’s promises. To fight my human nature that will just drive me away from my faith.

God wants our brokeness. “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-29

It’s truthfully hard for me to believe this at times. My puny brain wants to tell God, I am toooo broken. My house is too messy. My photography isn’t good enough. My human nature wants to find its own way to deal with my problems. When God’s promise in Matthew 11, clearly states he wants us as we are messy, muddy, broken.

These photos are a representation of who I want to be as a daughter of God. I want to be able to accept my messy, my brokenness, maybe even jump into mud or sticky things in my life, with the assurance that my Father has my back. To not need to know the cause but trust that what is, is his will. That He is going to pick me up and wash me white as snow. I want to learn to smile through my tears, my pain and know that I am living by faith. To look up to Him in my puddles, covered in mud and smile, in peace because I completely trust in my Father.

17 thoughts on “Messy

  1. I know not what to say to you my friend except trust and surrender! These images are beautifully messy and being beautifully broken for this time will only make you grow!

    I love your openness and honesty. Thank you for that!

  2. Gina – I think every person has this broken feeling at some point(s) in their life. I know that I have. It’s hard to find where it bubbles up from too. I hope you figure it out. I know I’ve been working on mine for a while now. <3

  3. I’m praying for you lady. I can physically your frustration through your writing. God is the only one that can give us a peace that is beyond our understanding. I pray that the rest of your night will be stree-free and just that feeling of contentment as God is working in and through you right now. Your photos are beautiful, and I was just telling Paige last night that I would comment on all of your photos, but they’d all be “I like this one” or “that’s really cool!” on all of them. Lol there’d be no intellect to my comments :p Keep up the good work, because you’re good at what you’re doing 🙂 praying for ya chica! See you on Sunday 🙂

  4. G, these images are so powerful. Your words, even more so. As I sit here, feeling just as broken, I thank God for you. For this blog. For your talent. You are inspiring and aiding me in more ways than words can describe. It’s like my exact thoughts are written all over this page. Strangely, it brings me comfort knowing that I am not the only one that feels like this. Your words bring me hope. Thank you. Love ya!

  5. its in all of us – we’d rather feel in control than dependant! brokenness is fertile soil for dependence on our sweet Savior, and I LOVE reading about how He is growing this in your heart! You encourage and inspire me, G. xoxo

  6. Gina, I was at MTH NY, and I’m just now stumbling on your blog. Wow. Seriously, you are amazing! Your writing is (freggin!) phenomenal and it’s inspiring on so many different levels. I LOVE the authenticity, it’s jumping off the page. Reading this was MY devotional last night. I shared it with my husband, and it was, at the time, exactly what we needed to hear. I have a really hard time with this, personally, because I pressure myself to be perfect, but you’re so right: God wants me just the way I am. Right now. Messy. Keep doing what you’re doing, Gina. You’re changing lives! xo

  7. Gina, my wish is for you to see youself through my (as well as others’ ) eyes. You are in incredible inspiration! The way you capture the spirit of who or what you are photographing is simply amazing. Please know your gift is a gift to us! It is ALWAYS a pleasure to see your work! I also wanted to thank you for your authentic thoughts! It definitely shows the core of your passion! I look forward to your future adventures!

  8. I’m with ya my friend. messy, messed up, poor, naked and blind… thanks for the beautiful reminder to come just as I am today. there really isn’t anything better than playing in the mud and rain!

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Gina is a Minneapolis based wedding and lifestyle photographer that loves bringing the LIFE out of people & capturing that energy on camera. Contact Me