Somedays I wake up and I feel nothing. I am discouraged. My house is a mess. My body is a mess. My work is a mess. A day like today, where I had a million and one things to get done and not enough time or energy. I put off my devotions to now 7:00pm. Here I sit on my bed crying. No exact reason why, but just completely broken. Broken wide open. To be filled up, I write in my journal “Lord I am completely discouraged, feeling so not worthy and just hurting.” Then I hear myself and say in my head “Gina, what the heck, why don’t you have it together. Why on earth would you be crying?” What the heck is it, get rid of it now!”
Truthfully, I always want to know and understand why I am broken. I always want to know the cause, source so I can “deal” with it, or work through it. I want to know why I am struggling and more often I generalize that I am struggling and no one else is. My brain goes in circles about how to fix, or prevent these feelings and it just leaves me in frustration and confusion.
After looking closer I realized, I am never actually letting the real feelings surface.
It is our human nature to cover up feelings. Normally I would run to the fridge, facebook or turn on hulu to tune out. To distract myself and push those feelings away with empty searching. But it has been placed in my heart this week to fight. Fight to walk in the spirit and to dig into the word, into God’s promises. To fight my human nature that will just drive me away from my faith.
God wants our brokeness. “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-29
It’s truthfully hard for me to believe this at times. My puny brain wants to tell God, I am toooo broken. My house is too messy. My photography isn’t good enough. My human nature wants to find its own way to deal with my problems. When God’s promise in Matthew 11, clearly states he wants us as we are messy, muddy, broken.
These photos are a representation of who I want to be as a daughter of God. I want to be able to accept my messy, my brokenness, maybe even jump into mud or sticky things in my life, with the assurance that my Father has my back. To not need to know the cause but trust that what is, is his will. That He is going to pick me up and wash me white as snow. I want to learn to smile through my tears, my pain and know that I am living by faith. To look up to Him in my puddles, covered in mud and smile, in peace because I completely trust in my Father.