Documenting the Ugly

September 21, 2013
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I so often talk about my perspective about how God is using our infertility for good. Yet, I want to also remember these impossible times of hurt. Where I don’t understand. Where I cry out. Where the tears just flow. Where I am on my knees broken, while watching all those around me conceive so simply, and we receive another no. Another failed cycle.  Where my heart is so broken, angry, frustrated, defeated. These feelings and this brokenness exists and need to be remembered.

WHY?

 

Because I want these moments to be part, JUST PART OF THE STORY. I am hoping with every-fiber-of-my-being that they just are part of the story. The part that I get to look back on and show God’s amazing glory. To show His story.  A story I hope I get to tell a future child about how God is loving. He is there for us. Even when it feels like he has left you alone. Even when it feels like he is giving everyone else around you the desires of your heart. Even when you want to scream and cry and run far away. Even when it feels like He is against you. It’s all part of His plan and to continue to be faithful and cling to the Lord.

 

Will you all lift us up in prayer to stay close to the Lord amidst the unbearable pain and the anger? To continue to reach out and to fall into the arms of Jesus and not believe the lies that he has forgotten us.

    Images taken at different times throughout the last years of struggling through infertility.

 

48 thoughts on “Documenting the Ugly

  1. Lifting you up tonight, G, as I have many nights before and will continue to do. If anyone makes me believe and feel His power and love it is you. So blessed to be included in this part of your story, and just as you said, it is only a part.
    Love you bunches and bunches. And bunches.

  2. Gina, I am praying for you and the child that I know God is preparing for you. I’m so grateful for your honesty and willingness to let us into your story. My heart and thoughts are with you. Hugs & prayers.

  3. I wish so much to just give you a hug. I know it can’t do much, and that’s one of the only things that I can do…but I wish to help in some way. My heart breaks for you two, and tear stream as I read your latest post. Praying for you guys

  4. When I told you that The Lord has been laying you on my heart lately, I meant it! You have been and will continue to be prayed for and loved. Praying its part if your beautiful story… Sending a hug!

  5. Yes. Lifting you up! Praying that the desires of your hearts are answered many fold and that your faithfulness is met with reward. I appreciate you sharing the real and painful side of this journey and portion of your story and know you will too looking back on it years from now. Lots of love from Colorado tonight. XOXO

  6. Oh miss Gina – how I love your courage and conviction! I love you and I’m hoping for you every day. I have faith that your hearts desire will come to be. Sending hugs to you tonight

  7. He has not forgotten you Gina. You are His, he has called you by name.
    “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.” Psalm 34:18-19
    Big hugs and prayers

  8. Praying bold prayers for you tonight! He has not forgotten you. The Lord knows ONLY faithfulness. He is for you! He sees the journey to the end. “I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.” Psalm 37:5. Peace & rest to you–He goes before you & hems you in–He HAS made a way!

  9. Your willingness to open your wound to God’s glory is so beautiful. You are full of Jesus, it’s bleeding out of you in every tear you cry. God is with you. God is for you. God is able. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!! So proud of your tenacity, honesty and witness.

  10. Gina,
    You don’t know me personally, but I love your work on IG and completely identify with your struggle. My husband and I are in the same boat. We’ve been waiting and waiting while it feels like everyone else is being blessed with this gift, the desire of our heart, with such ease… and yet still we wait. It is painful. It is frustrating. It is completely and utterly heart-wrenching…and many people don’t understand the depth of the struggle. But God does. I know that He has not forsaken us; I know that you know He has not forsaken you. And I’ve learned that God never wastes our pain.

    I hope and pray for both of us tonight… For comfort, peace, and strength to walk this road that He has us on. It’s easy to feel like you’re alone in this struggle. Please know you’re not. He will see us through to the other side of this storm, one way or another.
    Hugs and Prayers.

  11. I was one of these faces the other night and have been the last few months. It is heartbreaking. But this is not the end. There is more beautiful to come. I tell myself this everyday and am praying it for you and Matt.

  12. Gina,

    We know your hurt and pain. Month after month, for so long. We love you and think you are amazing.

    We’re so sorry you’re hurting, and we pray that God brings you the joy of your child(ren) very soon.

    -C&A

  13. Thank you for your amazing honesty! I am also on the same struggle for several years. This is definitely the truth of how painful it is and no one understands except those who have gone through it. Tho this is so hard I know no matter what happens that God is in control. Even if we don’t get our hearts longing in this life, I’m sure that once we see the face of Jesus in heaven we will not remember this earthly pain and it will all make sense then. In the meantime we need to press on and strive to be closer to God …tho I fail everyday. But He never fails us and has us in the palm of His hand. God bless you and you are in my prayers.

  14. Lifting you and your husband in prayer today and each day. My twin sister went through this unbelievable sadness of trying to having a baby for almost four years. I pray that your prayers are answered soon as hers when the timing was right for them.. And you hold your sweet little one soon. Blessed to know you and thank you for being so real and raw.

  15. Gina,
    I am praying for you! You are such an amazing woman of God. I love that you still want to show God’s glory in everything. Thank you for the example that you set as a woman fully found in Christ! Again, I’m praying for you!

  16. i know u dont know me, and i dont know you. but thankyou for being real. i appreciate your photography n thus is why i follow your blog. i used to think i ‘stumbled’ across it, but now i know God had a reason….we’ve not been waiting on our baby as long as you have…but the journey is real, and yet its something i have shared with very few people and so yes, sometimes i feel all alone, but at the same time, noone entirely understands…so maybe someday wen i’m ready to know how to deal with all the ‘sympathy’ -i can share as freely as you have. its been an encouragement to me, listening to your story. sounds so much like me, its HARD, but i wouldnt want it any other way than letting God write the story…….i will pray for you..

  17. It KILLS me to know that I put that look on your face and that hurt in your heart. It’s true that I cannot keep myself from crying when I see you cry, even if it’s not in person. I’m so sorry!

  18. I love you so much, G. So so much. I hate to see you hurting, but I’m grateful to have a friend to laugh and cry with throughout this journey. You are shining light of His glory and I’m praying for you every day. xo

  19. sobbing for you/with you in this post/these pictures! Such raw emotion and beauty… Praying praying praying for you G!! … and in some strange way I needed this today! I’m not at the baby road yet (hopefully one day) but sometimes I feel the exact same way about finding someone to spend my forever with… it’s hard, but it’s all for his glory!

  20. Jesus – please hear our cries for help. I ask you to bless Gina and Matt and all of us struggling with our too-heavy burdens. We lay them at your feet, Lord. We will serve you while we wait.

    ((((hugs))) I love you Gina 🙂

  21. “…even when it feels like He is giving others the desires of your heart…” Gina, I cannot wait to meet you. And hug you. And cry with you. You so beautifully expressed so many of my feelings during this season of life for us, too. There are times of incredible pain and confusion – BUT GOD… is the great healer, hurts with us, cares, is Good. I love you already.

  22. I know that you know you’re not alone … But just to remind you … You’re not! 🙂 we tried for 3 + years and I too thought I would just get pregnant so easily. Both my sisters got pregnant while we were trying (they weren’t even trying) one sister had two babies in those years and of course tons of friends and family. I’m soooo thankful to say The Lord is blessing us with a baby in January! We ended up doing IVF and I sit here 6 months pregnant and still in shock that it worked and I wish there was a way I could give back and scream from the top of the world how blessed I feel. But I guess the only thing I can do is help other woman who struggle and share my story! 🙂 so the fact that you write these posts are amazing. You’re amazing girl! Praying for you big time!!!!!

  23. Gina, love… I am so sorry.
    I know that God has a plan. I know this. Keep your eyes up, and on Him, and live every day with your joy in the Lord. Pain is so real, and it’s not to be ignored. But when you have the strength, choose to rejoice in the Lord, and when you have no joy, seek God for comfort and peace, and blessings.
    I went through something very different this winter, but found a sliver of hope in some words of Kari Jobe’s songs. They were in my head, even when I wasn’t feeling joy– but to have that focus on God, it helped lead me through. Look up Kari Jobe “On My Knees.”
    Will be praying for you… please count on that.
    Know that God is with you every second, and knows your pain, and your heart. Know He loves you and your husband.
    I literally just read a friend’s post yesterday about infertility.
    Courtney is a sweet girl. We went through mentoring together with Dane. http://www.courtneyreese.com/blog/2013/10/telling-our-story-part-1/

  24. Dear Sweet Gina. My heart breaks for you. Please know that you are loved and being thought of and prayed for right now by me. I know we haven’t talked a lot, but know I think of you often and pray for you. God has not forgotten you. I am proud of you for seeking Him honestly and authentically in the midst of your pain. I wish I could give you a big hug! I’m so sorry you are hurting. Much love to you. – Danica

  25. I hope you know how beautiful you are, and how God is so glorified in your RIGHT NOW. These images are incredibly moving, and in a world of happy-perfect-pretty-all-the-time I am thanking God for your raw emotions and the courage to post them. God is shining through your transparency, Gina. Love you sister.

  26. My husband and I tried for 20 months to get pregnant……Sunday, just this last Sunday! – We found out we are 5 weeks along! It can and will happen Gina! Keep the faith. God is good HE will not let you down!

  27. Gina, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. My husband and I have been trying for 6 year to have a baby and I know oh so well that heartbreaking feeling when you find out it is another no. I truly hope that you push through and that you keep your faith in god and your relationship with him and your husband first in your heart. I pray that you do have the little miracle that you are so wanting in life. and most of all I am send you a warm and loving hug because although I may not know you I know exactly how you feel.

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Gina is a Minneapolis based wedding and lifestyle photographer that loves bringing the LIFE out of people & capturing that energy on camera. Contact Me