Do you ever remember waking up in the middle of the night when you were little and your joints just hurt? My knees and calves always did this and I remember I would wake up in tears and my mom would draw a bath and I would just soak and hold my body and rock. Good old growing pains. Man who knew they would occur in my life again, in a totally new way?
First, I have come to the point in my life that I just want to be real. Real, whether that is completely broken, put together or not. I crave authenticity. I crave transparency. I don’t know why, but every piece of me wants to share my struggles. Even when the other part of my brain says “Gina, clients are going to read that and thing you are crazy” or “People will think I don’t have it together.” To be completely honest, as much I am scared that I will be judged and and I will lose business. My heart feels like its more important to not to be one of those people that you look at and say “I wish my life was like them because they have it all together and are doing it.” I want you to have a window at the everyday and the walk that I am going through.
This is me and I don’t want to put on anything else besides who I really am and what my life really looks like right now.
So, Truth. The last 4-5 months have been a lot like this photo below. With my hands in my head….frustrated, contemplating, working through, holding on. Experiencing growing pains. Having trouble with easy things. Things that have been cake in my life before. Normally with my type A personality I would immediately jump on my shortcomings and analyze and fix or try to fix. A new diet, a new to-do list or system. Now while these thoughts automatically come into my mind, I don’t want a short term human fix.
I currently am on a mission of rebuilding my heart and soul. I want God to take every piece of my human thinking and carve it out to be like HIS.
I want every part of my life to be stripped to its core and rebuilt. Yet the kicker for me, is that its hard work. Truly I think a piece of me felt like it would be easy. Now, that I know Jesus and this world won’t be hard anymore, but I am just learning the true meaning of walking as a Christian. I feel like I am a rookie at life. It takes conscious thought to turn off or away from your past coping mechanisms, your old habits, even some of your favorite things that get in the way of Jesus. I had no idea how hard the devil would fight me to stay put and to not grow. How things in your past that were so fun are not so fun anymore. My awareness has been heightened to a whole new level of what keeps me on the right path, or brings me back down the old. Now I am fallen like all of us and will make mistakes, and sometimes the hardest part for me is to forgive myself and accept God’s gift of grace.
Thinking. Thoughts. That is what usually gets me into my tough times. My negative self-talk, my body image and my heart telling me I am not good enough. While I know that these are negative and are usually built up fear, they still show up. Over and over again, even when I tell them to go away or take a hike. I personally have come to a point in my walk where I have learned I am helpless with out my heavenly father. That without him and resting in His promises I am completely at a loss. And while I might have success or some great days, the long term state of my heart will never be fulfilled. I have tried to put everything in this gaping hole that is meant for only Christ. Work, food, attention, facebook, friendships, tv, everything. Nothing can fill it like He can. This especially shows up in my thoughts. I am working really hard at a baby step level to change my thought closet of dirty laundry and replace it with God’s truth and promises. This takes work, active, attentive hard work and sometimes I don’t give myself credit. I just assume that I should have it already.
So today instead of comparing my shortcomings to how I used to be, what I used to get done or what I used to accomplish. I am going to focus on my growing pains, and know that I am working toward growing up and in Christ. I will stop punishing myself for taking the time to grow. To hurt, to feel, to be pruned. I will rejoice in my weaknesses, because when I am weak he is strong 2 Corinthians 2: 9-10**
Ginaism :: Gina how true is the title growing pains, you had the title as something else and it hit you like a ton of bricks. This is exactly what you are going through. SO please remember…….You are NOT your struggles. They do not define you. They are just proof that God is working in you, at a cellular level to rebuild your thinking patterns, your life patterns. It’s like you are in preschool again. Of course you wouldn’t be able to know Algebra in preschool. Give your self some love and time. You can’t be superwoman right now and that is ok. Take time with the time you have in your daily life to continually lean into him. Start loving yourself through respecting your temple and your body. Continue to be aware at the devil coming at you and trying to take control of your thoughts like he always has.
Exchange your human thought closet with God’s. His truth. His promises. These things will put your mind in the right place. Know that when you are struggling he is STRONG **2nd Corinthians 2:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong Gina know that you were knitted in your mothers womb by GOD. The creator of the universe knit you together, he sent his son to die for you. YOU. You mean so much to him and that is all that matters. Continue to ask God to broaden your understanding and physically recieve his extravagant love. Listen to this song when you doubt it. Gina you can do this but only by walking with him and the narrow path. So draw yourself a bath and relax into the word during your growing pains, they are a good thing.
Thank you J, for taking a photo of where I am at.
